I was in the shower yesterday when I heard peals of laughter coming from both of my boys in the next room. It is a magical sound that I hear often in our house, but every time I stop and just listen. This sound makes my heart swell to the point that I think it must have stopped beating, and just might explode.
Max's laughter is a sound worth living for... It is a joyous, uninhibited laughter that comes straight from his soul and spreads light into the world. A child's laughter is pure joy. They do not yet have the knocks of life to weigh on them and creep into their happiness. Children have the pleasure of a limited understanding of time; they don't think to worry about the past or the future. Their joy is magic because all they know is to enjoy this moment, now, as it is. It's a lesson we, as adults, need to relearn.
But Clint's uninhibited, head-thrown-back laughter is what really tugs on my heart. It was not very long ago that I was unsure I would ever again hear the raucous laugh that I fell in love with many years ago, as I heard it echo across the grounds of summer camp (when we were, ourselves, children). More than most people, Clint is weighed down by the burdens of life. He has been through depressions so deep that it is a struggle just to make it through this day and into the next-let alone to notice or see the beauty or joy in life. I have been through those times with him-and we have made it through, barely. To be in a place right now, despite everything of the past 2 years, where he can laugh, is nothing short of a miracle to me. Max's laughter is the magic that makes life worth living-and laughing.
Sunday, August 31, 2008
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
3 Seconds
One of my very favorite bloggers, Heather Armstrong, writes the blog Dooce. I love to read Dooce for several reasons-because she is side-splittingly funny, irreverent, intelligent, and painfully honest. Heather has been blogging since before anyone knew what a 'blog' was, and she has become the epitome of blogger success, despite (or in spite of?) losing her job over her posts. And Heather doesn't sugar-coat life. She suffers from depression and honestly writes about how it effects her, her family, and their everyday life. And, being married to an oft-depressed non-communicative male, what she writes has helped me to understand some of what Clint goes through. I got to meet her at this year's SXSW, and I managed to not make a complete fool of myself.
Yesterday, Heather posted about her 6 year anniversary. Not something that would normally inspire commentary from me, despite the fact that I am a total sap. But in this post, she chronicled some of the really difficult stuff they have gone through over the last 6 years. And, not that I would evr wish any of the stuff that we have gone through (or are going to go through) on someone else, but it's nice to know that we aren't the only ones getting shit on by the universe. The post focuses on something her friend told her, that "No matter what horrible thing you're going through, when it's all over it only takes three seconds to sum it up. Remember that." And that helps. A little. It provides some perspective to some situations that are currently very life-consuming. It would be nice if it only took 3 seconds to live it, and 3 seconds to heal from it.... But I suppose that wouldn't build much 'character.'
She also mentioned that this was in the context of a conversation she was having with a friend about how their 30s are so much better than their 20s. Now, this is something I keep hearing, over and over. And all I can say is THANK GOD. Only 4 1/2 more years...
Yesterday, Heather posted about her 6 year anniversary. Not something that would normally inspire commentary from me, despite the fact that I am a total sap. But in this post, she chronicled some of the really difficult stuff they have gone through over the last 6 years. And, not that I would evr wish any of the stuff that we have gone through (or are going to go through) on someone else, but it's nice to know that we aren't the only ones getting shit on by the universe. The post focuses on something her friend told her, that "No matter what horrible thing you're going through, when it's all over it only takes three seconds to sum it up. Remember that." And that helps. A little. It provides some perspective to some situations that are currently very life-consuming. It would be nice if it only took 3 seconds to live it, and 3 seconds to heal from it.... But I suppose that wouldn't build much 'character.'
She also mentioned that this was in the context of a conversation she was having with a friend about how their 30s are so much better than their 20s. Now, this is something I keep hearing, over and over. And all I can say is THANK GOD. Only 4 1/2 more years...
Monday, August 25, 2008
When I Grow Up...
For some reason, this theme keeps coming up... Maybe it's just the fact that every time I turn on the radio that DAMNED Pussycat Dolls songs is on. You know the one:
When I grow up
I wanna be famous
Wanna be a star
Wanna be in movies
When I grow up
Wanna see the world
Drive nice cars
Wanna have groupies
Am I weird, world? (er, maybe you shouldn't answer that...) Is it just me? When I was a kid, I never said to myself, 'you know what? I want to be RICH! and Famous! ' Not for the sake of simply being rich and famous... That's not to say I didn't have aspirations. I mean, when I was 8, I was going to pitch for the Yankees. Until I realized a) I can't throw a baseball and b) they don't let girls play baseball. But people. This was because I love baseball. Not because I wanted to someday pay cash for an $80,000 car.
I detest this song. And not simply because any piece of 'music' the Pussycat Dolls puts out manages to make my skin crawl. Mostly because, for me, it embodies many of the things that are so wrong with our society. We place worth on an individual literally based on their net value. How much are they worth? Not as a human. Not in their contribution to society or humanity. But in dollars. We have generations growing up, bowing down to the almighty dollar. They want to be rap stars or movie stars, or simply just rich. Why? Not because they are particularly gifted or passionate about these 'careers'. But because they live in a society that tells them that is what they should want.
Don't believe me?
Ask a teacher how much they made last year.
Now ask a high school student if they would consider being a teacher if it meant they might make that much money for the rest of their lives.
When I grow up
I wanna be famous
Wanna be a star
Wanna be in movies
When I grow up
Wanna see the world
Drive nice cars
Wanna have groupies
Am I weird, world? (er, maybe you shouldn't answer that...) Is it just me? When I was a kid, I never said to myself, 'you know what? I want to be RICH! and Famous! ' Not for the sake of simply being rich and famous... That's not to say I didn't have aspirations. I mean, when I was 8, I was going to pitch for the Yankees. Until I realized a) I can't throw a baseball and b) they don't let girls play baseball. But people. This was because I love baseball. Not because I wanted to someday pay cash for an $80,000 car.
I detest this song. And not simply because any piece of 'music' the Pussycat Dolls puts out manages to make my skin crawl. Mostly because, for me, it embodies many of the things that are so wrong with our society. We place worth on an individual literally based on their net value. How much are they worth? Not as a human. Not in their contribution to society or humanity. But in dollars. We have generations growing up, bowing down to the almighty dollar. They want to be rap stars or movie stars, or simply just rich. Why? Not because they are particularly gifted or passionate about these 'careers'. But because they live in a society that tells them that is what they should want.
Don't believe me?
Ask a teacher how much they made last year.
Now ask a high school student if they would consider being a teacher if it meant they might make that much money for the rest of their lives.
Monday, August 18, 2008
Reminiscing...
I want to go back to when numbers didn't really mean anything... Back when $100 was a lot of money and 5 lbs seemed like no big deal. Of course, everything is situational-$100 in my pocket seems like nothing, but $100 being paid out is a fortune! Anyway, life was simpler then. Not in actuality, but in my understanding of it, which is really the most important part.
Saturday, August 16, 2008
Random Musings
A few random thoughts I have floating around in my head (and don't feel like separating into individual posts)...
Blogging on a Saturday Night
Yes, I am sitting at home, blogging on a Saturday night. I'd like to say that my life has 'slowed down' since having a child, and to some extent it has, but let's face it...I can probably count the number of truly 'wild' Saturday nights I've had on both hands. I'm not much on crowds, people, and hassle, and so I'd much rather have a relaxing evening to myself to read, write, or contemplate. I think I'll go read a magazine, next...
Perspective
Last summer, I thought if I never saw another raindrop, it would be too soon (though, I did enjoy the cooler temps they brought). Ha! What a difference a year can make. It is really, seriously raining for the first time in a ridiculously long time right now, and I'm almost happy enough to cry about it. Srsly.
My Mommy Loves Me
Saw my Mom today (Dad was busy playing tennis). We had lunch and she loved on Max and brought be lots of goodies. More pickles (are you reading my blog, Mom?), salsa, canned black-eyed peas, canned green beans, fresh cucumbers, fresh cherry tomatoes, and more onions. This woman knows how to keep me happy.
Healthcare in This Country is Atrocious
A political rant...I just saw a prescription of Clint's sitting on the desk. We can't fill it, because to take this particular medication would require him to have regular blood work done. Same for lithium, which we would prefer him take, as the stuff he's on has some major side-effects. But he doesn't have health insurance, so we can't afford the blood work. But, if he DID have health insurance, we couldn't afford his current meds, which we get for free through a patient assistance program for people who don't have health insurance (no generic available). And on top of that, his health insurance wouldn't cover his mental health for 12 months, anyway (not that most health insurance has much in the way of mental health coverage to begin with-thinking about starting to lobby for this one), because it is a pre-existing condition. Damned if you do, damned if you don't. We are one of teh richest nations in the world, and a significant portion of our population doesn't have health insurance, because they can't afford it. Our politicians should be ashamed.
Ok, now I think I will go read that magazine...
Blogging on a Saturday Night
Yes, I am sitting at home, blogging on a Saturday night. I'd like to say that my life has 'slowed down' since having a child, and to some extent it has, but let's face it...I can probably count the number of truly 'wild' Saturday nights I've had on both hands. I'm not much on crowds, people, and hassle, and so I'd much rather have a relaxing evening to myself to read, write, or contemplate. I think I'll go read a magazine, next...
Perspective
Last summer, I thought if I never saw another raindrop, it would be too soon (though, I did enjoy the cooler temps they brought). Ha! What a difference a year can make. It is really, seriously raining for the first time in a ridiculously long time right now, and I'm almost happy enough to cry about it. Srsly.
My Mommy Loves Me
Saw my Mom today (Dad was busy playing tennis). We had lunch and she loved on Max and brought be lots of goodies. More pickles (are you reading my blog, Mom?), salsa, canned black-eyed peas, canned green beans, fresh cucumbers, fresh cherry tomatoes, and more onions. This woman knows how to keep me happy.
Healthcare in This Country is Atrocious
A political rant...I just saw a prescription of Clint's sitting on the desk. We can't fill it, because to take this particular medication would require him to have regular blood work done. Same for lithium, which we would prefer him take, as the stuff he's on has some major side-effects. But he doesn't have health insurance, so we can't afford the blood work. But, if he DID have health insurance, we couldn't afford his current meds, which we get for free through a patient assistance program for people who don't have health insurance (no generic available). And on top of that, his health insurance wouldn't cover his mental health for 12 months, anyway (not that most health insurance has much in the way of mental health coverage to begin with-thinking about starting to lobby for this one), because it is a pre-existing condition. Damned if you do, damned if you don't. We are one of teh richest nations in the world, and a significant portion of our population doesn't have health insurance, because they can't afford it. Our politicians should be ashamed.
Ok, now I think I will go read that magazine...
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
Holding Pattern
Life seems to be in a holding pattern, right now, which I think is bad for me. I know I shouldn't invent problems, but I can't help but think that we are just waiting for the next round of Impending Doom. I don't think it would feel so ominous, except that we have several large, dark, lingering clouds over our heads.
One being the investigation into Clint's accident, which still has not been closed (or, more accurately, that we have not been notified has been closed). Since the accident is (rightly) being investigated as an accident, his name has not been released to anyone-including the family of the man Clint hit. We won't know whether or not Clint is being sued until the case has been closed and his name has been released into public record.
We are also trying to refinance our house. I know, great timing, especially when you have less-than-stellar credit (guilty). Unfortunately, our luck seems to work that way, and we don't have much of a choice. If we don't refi, we have to come up with a balloon payment by January-which means selling the house. We signed up for this crappy deal about a year ago, just in time for the mortgage meltdown and before anyone knew exactly how bad the credit crisis was going to get...Awesome.
And Clint is desperately looking for a new job. He has still got one, but the gaming call center is sucking the life out of us. I hate to see him miserable, and hate even more that he has to work a job that is bad for him and bad for our family. But it helps pay the bills. It's really stressful on us to have him working evenings. We hardly see each other, the only 'me' time I get is stuck in the house (I want to spend the weekends with my boys together!), and he only gets to see Max on the weekends, which is really hard on both of them.
We still have not received a bill from Clint's hospital stay, other than the ER docs...
All of this will resolve, one way or another, but the ambiguity of it all is slowly driving me mad.
One being the investigation into Clint's accident, which still has not been closed (or, more accurately, that we have not been notified has been closed). Since the accident is (rightly) being investigated as an accident, his name has not been released to anyone-including the family of the man Clint hit. We won't know whether or not Clint is being sued until the case has been closed and his name has been released into public record.
We are also trying to refinance our house. I know, great timing, especially when you have less-than-stellar credit (guilty). Unfortunately, our luck seems to work that way, and we don't have much of a choice. If we don't refi, we have to come up with a balloon payment by January-which means selling the house. We signed up for this crappy deal about a year ago, just in time for the mortgage meltdown and before anyone knew exactly how bad the credit crisis was going to get...Awesome.
And Clint is desperately looking for a new job. He has still got one, but the gaming call center is sucking the life out of us. I hate to see him miserable, and hate even more that he has to work a job that is bad for him and bad for our family. But it helps pay the bills. It's really stressful on us to have him working evenings. We hardly see each other, the only 'me' time I get is stuck in the house (I want to spend the weekends with my boys together!), and he only gets to see Max on the weekends, which is really hard on both of them.
We still have not received a bill from Clint's hospital stay, other than the ER docs...
All of this will resolve, one way or another, but the ambiguity of it all is slowly driving me mad.
Thursday, August 7, 2008
Austin Exodus
Ok, so maybe 'exodus' is a strong word, but it sure seems like there are a lot of people I know leaving right now, either moving or leaving town for an extended period. Don & Emily went to Vermont for the summer. Ian has been in Alaska all summer salmon fishing and now Kristin & Ian are moving to Portland (traitors...). Mark, the pastor who married us, and his family are moving. Trish has been trying to leave to go work somewhere cooler on temporary contracts for months.
Austin is a very transient city, with the University and tech communities. The average length of time an Austinite has lived here is only 3 years (man do I blow that one out of the water). But I think this is the first time I've experienced so many dear people left or leaving. And I just can't imagine leaving here. Ok, maybe when we've had 44 days over 100 degrees I can kindof start to see why... But we left once. And we came back. Austin, I love thee.
So...to keep up with the 'leavers' I have started a Twitter account. So you can know what I am doing with every moment of my everyday (I think Twitter is just proof of society's Internet Addiction). Well, maybe I didn't start the account because of you leaving, but it sounds better than 'I succombed to the social-networking peer pressure,' no?
Anyway, you can now follow my inanity at www.twitter.com/alexjurek. Have fun.
Austin is a very transient city, with the University and tech communities. The average length of time an Austinite has lived here is only 3 years (man do I blow that one out of the water). But I think this is the first time I've experienced so many dear people left or leaving. And I just can't imagine leaving here. Ok, maybe when we've had 44 days over 100 degrees I can kindof start to see why... But we left once. And we came back. Austin, I love thee.
So...to keep up with the 'leavers' I have started a Twitter account. So you can know what I am doing with every moment of my everyday (I think Twitter is just proof of society's Internet Addiction). Well, maybe I didn't start the account because of you leaving, but it sounds better than 'I succombed to the social-networking peer pressure,' no?
Anyway, you can now follow my inanity at www.twitter.com/alexjurek. Have fun.
Sunday, August 3, 2008
Busy Weekend
The food processor has seen some action this weekend! Yesterday, I made pico de gallo and basil pesto. And today, I made hummus for the first time.
I have to use the food processor for the pico, because Clint is very picky about textures, and is not a fan of 'chunks.' And I have been on a pesto kick since there has been woderful fresh basil at Boggy Creek Farm!
I found the hummus recipe in one of my very favorite, go-to cookbooks, simply titled Vegetarian. I bought this book on a whim about 4 years ago while wondering through a Barnes & Noble bookstore after my self-professed 'meater' (short for meat-eater...get it? That Clint is a clever one) husband declared that he was going to be a vegetarian. It was cheap, thorough, and the pictures are lovely. And I am so glad that I bought it...every time I open this cookbook, I find scores of recipes I want to cook NOW. Clint's vegetarianism didn't make it to the 6 month mark, but this book has many recipes that are still loved and will continue to be for years to come.
Also, we became chicken owners this weekend...Clint has been dying to own chickens for a while, now, and he finally built the chicken coop this weekend. He also lost his mind and bought 4 adult chickens...so if anyone needs eggs, we should have more than we can eat, soon!
I have to use the food processor for the pico, because Clint is very picky about textures, and is not a fan of 'chunks.' And I have been on a pesto kick since there has been woderful fresh basil at Boggy Creek Farm!
I found the hummus recipe in one of my very favorite, go-to cookbooks, simply titled Vegetarian. I bought this book on a whim about 4 years ago while wondering through a Barnes & Noble bookstore after my self-professed 'meater' (short for meat-eater...get it? That Clint is a clever one) husband declared that he was going to be a vegetarian. It was cheap, thorough, and the pictures are lovely. And I am so glad that I bought it...every time I open this cookbook, I find scores of recipes I want to cook NOW. Clint's vegetarianism didn't make it to the 6 month mark, but this book has many recipes that are still loved and will continue to be for years to come.
Also, we became chicken owners this weekend...Clint has been dying to own chickens for a while, now, and he finally built the chicken coop this weekend. He also lost his mind and bought 4 adult chickens...so if anyone needs eggs, we should have more than we can eat, soon!
Friday, August 1, 2008
Some people ask for money...
Mother Dearest,
I am out of pickles; please send more.
Signed,
Your Loving Daughter
I am out of pickles; please send more.
Signed,
Your Loving Daughter
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